what came first?

I talk a lot about how awful the guys in my life have been, and I feel like I should take this opportunity to confess that I've been guilty of some awful things as well. I don't think I've ever been as awful as some of the guys in my life, but I haven't always been nice. I have been guilty of ending a relationship by avoidance.

A few years ago I was kind of seeing this guy who was way more interested in me than I was in him. Essentially, I was bored and he was around. Sounds horrible doesn't it? I went on vacation for about a week, while I was gone he called and left me a weird voicemail and because of that I decided I didn't want to talk to him anymore. He called a few times wondering if I ever had come back to town, and even asked if I had run off to Vegas and gotten married. I ran into him a few months later and he told me that he had deleted my number when I never called him back, but I could still call him if I wanted to.

But this isn't supposed to be a confessional. I'm not going to go into detail about all the awful things I've done, but rather question why it is I've done these things.

I'm reminded of a quote from "High Fidelity"...

What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?

Obviously I'm not referring to music, but when I was thinking about this subject this is the quote that came to mind. Are people cruel to me because I was cruel and it's karma or am I cruel because that's what has been done to me?

I am reminded of a day back when I was 15 maybe 16 at summer camp. I was talking to the guy who had broken my heart earlier that year about his new girlfriend. Of course we had decided to be friends and since I was determined to make that happen I suffered through these conversations. He was talking about how great she was and said "I've never felt this way about anyone before...not even you." At this point I am reminded of another "High Fidelity" quote...

It would be nice to think that since I was 14, times have changed. Relationships have become more sophisticated. Females less cruel. Skins thicker. Instincts more developed. But there seems to be an element of that afternoon in everything that's happened to me since. All my romantic stories are a scrambled version of that first one.

It was at that point that I think I realized that this whole dating thing could be cruel. It wouldn't be for a few more years that I would experience how cruel it could be. It also wasn't until a few years later that I started to feel the need to be cruel as well.

I actually think I can pinpoint the moment that I decided I could play this game the way most of the guys I met played it. It was my 19th birthday and I had just had my heart broken (by the same guy I mentioned earlier actually) and I spent the evening crying on my front steps.

Since then I know that I've been cruel at times. I'm beginning to notice a pattern, I'll date a guy that I actually like, he'll decide he no longer likes me, I feel bad about myself so I'll find someone who will boost my ego. I'll go out with them for a little while and more often than not these are the guys that really like me. The ones that I am not really that intereseted in. I usually get bored and then do something kind of mean. Now granted that something mean usually doesn't mean that I lie to them for 6 months, or sleep with their friends, it usually just means that I just quit returning phone calls.

It's probably a cycle I need to break. It's like I take out my anger/hurt from the guy I liked on the next guy.

I think for now I will conclude that I am cruel because of those that have been cruel to me.

That's healthy right?